The Several Flaws of Michael
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This is my third attempt at a journal, the first two were very technical and talked about how I worked around bugs and issues that came up, and how I should have been able to take care of them quicker, had I done things different. While I'm not saying I wont put any of that stuff in here, I am saying that the purpose of this journal is to help me correct/adjust my personality. My initial thoughts are that I am too nervous and avoid dealing with people too much, particularly when it comes to conflicts. While this is being titled a journal, at times I will make entries that are strictly opinion and have nothing to do with the day's events.
7-05-2002: I decided a while ago that I didn't like this journal thing. It sounds
too whiney and I just didn't want to keep doing it. Listen, nobody reads it, I had
a tough time coming back to read it because it is so dull, and most importantly, it doesn't
reflect my correct state of mind.
It is the day after Independence Day and I am doing great. I am still working at Logitech, which is amazing, considering it was a two month contract. I shouldn't be surprised, I stretched two three month contracts into six years at Applied Materials. While it would be great if that happened at Logitech, I don't expect it and will be exstatic if I can last through the summer here. I really like working here, the people and the job are great, and nobody from there knows about this journal, so it's not like I'm writing it for them. It is true I like it here. If you are reading this journal and you aren't me, then you can be pretty sure that you and I are the only two people that read this stuff (crap).
Yesterday was Independence Day, we were going to go across the street to the park by my house and watch the fireworks from there, the fireworks weren't in that park, but you could see them from there. Well at first we thought the sight would be better from the other side of the park (closer to the fireworks). Then when we got there, we just kept going a little bit closer, a little bit closer... Finally we walked the whole two miles to the park where the fireworks were going off, I guess greed just kind of took over. We got there just as the fireworks started and it was well worth the walk, we had to cary the kids back, but I'm trying not to whine here.
This is the first Fourth of July weekend I can remember taking off and I plan on taking full advantage of it. I have gone swimming both days and watched the fireworks show and spent a lot of time with my family, tomorrow I will go swimming again with my wife, kids and mother. Really the only waste of time is writing this, I'm teasing.
I tried to dye my hair today, I've never done it before and it didn't work out. I have quite a few white hairs and I wanted to try to get rid of them, and I think I didn't leave the dye on long enough, the box said a maximum of five minutes. Nobody noticed and I still saw the white hairs, so next time I will do it for ten minutes, with a different company's dye. It's funny, I had a tough time getting myself to dye my hair in the first place, always thinking I should just leave it alone. Now I know and want to try again, something about being tricked, or the challenge or ... I'm not sure what it is, but I am going to try again.
Two new rules for writing in this journal. First, I don't have to write in it every day, if I don't feel like writing in it, then I don't have to. Second, try not to sound whiney, it's not the kind of person you are and ... Rule three, have fun writing it, maybe someday you will look back at it and remember or use it to correct flaws or ...
5-19-2002: I wanted to go to Santa Cruz today, but things came up and I ended up staying
behind while Hung took the boys to see her Mother. It was quiet around here, I
ended up getting a nice walk in the park and talking to my older brother, who always complains
that I don't go see him often enough. He doesn't live too far away from me, I
just work too much.
Every time my job goes through a release, like we did on Friday, I wonder if I'm going to be looking for a job in the near future. So I checked the job market today, it still looks pretty rough. I'm not worried, I live day by day. I am upset with one company that lead me to believe that they would be hiring me in early June, now they don't return emails or phone calls. That doesn't look good, sometimes the funding falls through, I think that's what happened here.
5-18-2002: Woke up still in a pretty bad mood, so I overdosed on sugar, then went to play basketball and soccer, and I'm much better now. While I was playing Hung took Sebastien and Nicolas to see the new Star Wars movie, thank God I didn't have to go. When I'm going to a job interview, I usually overdose on sugar first, it puts me in a much more talkative mood, it also makes me look enthusiastic and excited. I told some people this before and they think I'm nuts. It works for me.
5-17-2002: Once in a while I get in a really bad mood, today was one of the worst moods I've been in, in years. Sure things have been tight lately and this was a deadline for the project, and things did go wrong the last couple of days, but I shouldn't have let it get to me the way it did. After twelve rough hours at work I finally got home, only to be greeted by, "You're home early, are you going to work tomorrow?". OK, that was the last straw.
5-14-2002: Went to watch Sebastien sing and dance in his school play. Sebastien
was fantastic, he sang loud and danced very well, I am really proud of him. Sebastien
goes to a private school that is supposed to be very good, for some reason I was the only white
guy there. There were more than fifty other parents there, all Oriental and Indian,
it doesn't bother me, I just worry that Sebastien might get tormented later on. Who
knows, maybe it will be good for him, there was a football player a few years ago, named Pooh Bear.
You knew he was going to grow up and be something like a football player, or a criminal, all
those years of torment because of his name. I bet you he was an over-achiever.
I hope Sebastien doesn't get tormented too much, being considered a minority in the class.
I consider both of my kids to be Chinese and White, not 50/50, 100% Chinese and 100% White. Hopefully they will take their experiences of being both and use it to their advantage growing up.
5-13-2002: You know if I insist on writing something every day, it is going to be really boring around here. I don't have that exciting of a life, I should only make one entry a week, or a month. Today I was invited to one of those rare meetings. We went through the known bugs in our application, prioritized them and decided which of them need to be remedied for this release. It was a small meeting with only the project manager, technical lead, QA lead and three other software developers. In meetings this small where I am comfortable with all of the other members I tend to be one of the more lively members, with a sense of humor and not afraid to talk, I'm among friends. I also don't hesitate to give my technical opinion. I'm not completely comfortable and I'm not running the meeting, just an active member.
5-12-2002: I was going to go to work today to fix bugs that QA had found. Unfortunately I didn't have any bugs returned from QA, so there was no need for me to go to work today. Hung took Setastien and Nicolas to Santa Cruz today to visit her Mother, had I known that I didn't need to go to work, then I would have gone as well. I've tried calling my Mother a couple of times to tell her happy Mother's day, and I haven't been able to get through yet. Not to worry I will get through and see my Mother all the time, she was here yesterday. Today was really boring, and I stayed at home and rested. I wish I could have gone to work and made some money.
5-11-2002: Sebastien is going to start going to Chinese school on weekends, both of my brothers have kids in the same school, so Raymond (my older brother) and Hung went to a parent introduction meeting, I stayed and watched four kids, two of Raymond's and my two. Raymond's oldest kid Louis is eleven years old and told me that he could do 75 sit-ups, so I made him do 75 sit-ups to show me, he did it, and he struggled through them cheating by putting his hands down by his feet. I told him he did a really good job, only to have him inform me that there is no way that I could do 75 sit-ups. If I was a smart man I would have swollowed my pride and let it go, unfortunately I'm not that smart. I told him that I do 250 sit-ups a day and then did 100 in a third the time it took him to do 75, when I finished I looked over only to see a very surprised and quieted Louis. Why do I have to be too proud? Now he's telling everybody.
5-10-2002: There is this guy that I work with at Logitech that I call stoner. His job function is to find bugs in my code and make sure that I fix them. He is a really nice guy and I get along with him very well, he is also Chinese and has no idea what the term stoner means. I herrass the hell out of this poor guy, when he calls me back to the lab to show me a bug, I'll ask him "Do I need a couple of drinks before I can see this bug?", or I'll stop him, pretend to take a hit off of a joint and then tell him, "OK I'm ready".
5-09-2002: I took Hung out for her Mother's Day dinner tonight because I want to avoid the crowds on Monther's Day. When we got home one of Hung's friends came by to return something she borrowed. I'd never met this woman before and when Hung introduced me "this is my husband Chau Bot Gwei" (ugly). I couldn't believe my ears, surely she knew I could hear and understand her, this woman has eyes, she can see for herself you don't need to help her out. I don't know why it surprised me, before we got married and right after we were married I heard that a lot. I guess I figured that since I am old and not so good looking it would be assumed that I was ugly and wouldn't have to be mentioned. I know that time has not been kind to me and I have a lot of white hair, it seems like once a week somebody is telling me that I look old, even my oldest brother told me that I look old.
Lately there has been talk about reparations to slave descendants, and while I know nothing about
slavery and am not a slave descendant, I am very hopeful that money will be provided to better the
opportunities for people in poverty. Yes, I am a Liberal Democrat and yes, I am bitter.
Bitter because in America a man is not what he makes of himself, he is what he inherits, better
elementary schools through high school, through college and much more. I went to an
outstanding high school, was able to work my way through college, and although I wasn't a great
student or genius I did graduate.
Frequently I bump into people who were born in welthier families and have never had to struggle a day in thier life, and when I deal with one of these people I have something in the back of my mind that I really detest about this person. This is a problem that I want to overcome, I still want a 100% inheritance tax though (level the playing field). I am too proud about the little that I've accomplished.
This is a public journal, and I will not be afraid of writing anything I want in it. I have no secrets and will not be afraid of people thinking that I am pitiful, stupid or whiney. Hopefully this will help me in overcoming my issues.